Adderall!

Today I went back into the psychiatrist's office for another visit to see how the Wellbutrin only regimen is going. The two major changes that I've had the last two weeks were:

1. I wasn't numbed by the Zoloft anymore. It was actually hard (and still is) controlling my emotions. All of the sudden I tear up over the Olympics, or the suffering in Africa (in fact tonight I was crying while watching a documentary about medical franchises in Nigeria). Unfortunately I couldn't really feel the upside of that. I don't remember feeling happy, or really happy the last two weeks.
2. I felt less of a hunger for snacks. The last month before I switched medications it seemed like I was taking a whole 5 oz. bar of Hershey's chocolate to bed each night and ate 80% of it before I fell asleep. I did do it one night in the last 10 days, but that was all.

So my psychiatrist, Dr. Hoopes, started me on a stimulant for the ADHD. I took my first one today and I felt more energy than I usually did, but it wasn't AMAZING or anything. I really have my hopes up for this. When I was listening to the Doc I wanted to believe that all the great things he was saying the meds would do - would actually happen.

I feel like I have been damned since 2001. Now I'm talking about damnation as not progressing forward at all (not as being in hell right now). So since 2001 I haven't gone forward in my life. I had just graduated from Ricks (now BYU-Idaho) with my associates in Russian and Geology. When I went down to BYU in Provo I failed a whole year's worth of classes except for a 2-week course that I took the last of Aug. '01. In fact, I have gone backwards. The last 2 or 3 years I haven't gone to church more than 3 times.

So the hopes or goals that I have for the new meds are, in no particular order,...

• Having more energy in general than I've had lately
• Losing weight
• Having that little kick in my step ( a combo of energy & a happier mood)
• Being able to keep up with my side-business on eBay (especially being on time with sales tax filing, and paperwork)
• The drive to start writing short-stories or a book, and being able to keep on writing.
• Also having that same organization in my bedroom (keeping it clean)

Alright those are my thoughts for the day. walt

May-Treanor & Walsh in White!!

I tell you what!!! Not only do I admire these two women as athletes, but it was great to watch them play in the rain. And not for the reason that you think. I like it because it's almost a wet T-shirt contest. You can definately tell that it is a little cold out there.

Okay now that I have that out of my system.

I've played a ton of different sports in the rain - and I love it. One of the sports that I love to play is called GatorBall. It's a cross between Football, Soccer and Basketball. You use a soccerball, and you have to act dribble and stuff to move the ball until you can kick it to someone else and they catch it. Then once they've caught it you can run with it like a football. If someone two hand touches you on the back then you have to drop the ball and dribble it again. But you can throw the ball to someone else right before you get touched and pass it back and forth driving down the field. To score you can do one of three things. (By the way you use a regular soccer field with soccer goalposts.) You can throw the ball into the goal for a point. Or you can kick it in for two points. Best of all is to kick it to someone and have them head it in for three points. Now it doesn't really have any specific time for a match. You basically play until you either run out of time or you just get too dang tired.

Peace and I'm out of here.

Off the Zoloft

As part of my transition from medicating anxiety/depression to medicating ADHD (and through it the anxiety/depression) I starting taking half of my Zoloft and doubled my morning Welbutrin. After 10 days of half-strength Zoloft (which is how much meds I had left) I'm then supposed to keep the double Wellbutrin in the morning and one more at lunch. However last night I forgot my take my evening meds and this morning I opted to not catch up when I woke up. So today I felt kind of weird as I worked at Alby's.

I'm excited though to start taking a different approach to the problem that I've had since 2001. When the world kind of crashed in on me then I just didn't want to live and was scared that I might do myself harm. Not to mention the fact that just hated almost everything about my life.

The weird thing is that I was in a place that was giving me the best opportunities that I'd ever had so far. After I moved back home and tried Boise State University (that's right - home of the Sooner ass-kicking Broncos) I realized how limited this university is compared with BYU. A couple of years before I came there they had discontinued their Russian program - so for right now that associates degree is useless.

Getting back to my point. Sure I've improved since 2001 and I don't want to die anymore, but I still haven't recovered fully. I just didn't care about much except work, t.v., reading, eating and sleeping. That's what it's been like for 5 years or so. I haven't really dated much since 2001. I just can't seem to understand how in the heck I should be relating to women. It's like they are math and I don't understand Calculus. I've only gotten through Algebra. I realize that it is math as well, but I don't know how to even start on the problem. Add to that the fact that I still hate myself and I can't understand why any woman would want to be with me. Man I'm getting depressed just listening to myself whine.

Okay, bye.

Welcome

Hello - and welcome to the Frog Blog of the Legion. Now the Frog Legion is a little group/idea/company that I came up with when I was in High School, and I think that it just sounds cool.

So I've spent the last 7 years trying to overcome depression and anxiety. It was really bad back in 2001. At one time I wouldn't go out much and only at night. I slept all day. I stopped going to classes and at it's worst I wouldn't answer the phone becasue I thought it would be someone calling to yell at me.

I've tried several different medications and I still am not feeling like I was before it all came to a head that summer/fall. I've tried Celexa, Effexor XR, Lexapro, and the latest has been Zoloft & Wellbutrin together. The first was prescribed by a psychiatrist at BYU and everything since then was prescribed by my primary physician back in Boise, ID.

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I went to a psychiatrist again. During the intake interview I answered a lot of questions about how I was feeling now. It wasn't really about my past depression and anxiety. A surprise to me was the diagnosis of not just a general depression but also a touch of the attention problems of ADD and ADHD. The Dr. said that the attention problem deals with two brain chemicals: neoprenephrine and dopamine. Zoloft actually works against them and ups the seratonin (which helps the depression). However the Wellbutrin is what I needed to continue taking - just alone and a little more.

Working with the neoprenephrine and dopamine should relieve the anxiety, help me lose weight (I am currently the heaviest I've been in my life), and give me that little kick to make me feel like I did before my crash. If it quite doesn't work, then I'll need to also take a stimulant for the attention problem. So in three weeks we will see if it really works or not.

That's it for the first post. walt